There is a saying in the recovery world that no one can bring out the character defects in us quite like our family. Spending time with the ones we love can be like pouring Miracle Gro on some of the qualities about ourselves we would rather not have. Like being self-centered when we sit down to watch a movie that “I” didn’t really want to watch or being cranky because “I” didn’t get to choose what “I” wanted to do.
What do we do when we feel trapped knowing that we have made progress on who we are inside and have grown so much, yet still feel such anger when our family brings up the past or makes a statement that pushes our buttons?
What do we do when our family completely enables us, smothers us, or doesn’t trust us, even after we have been sober for quite some time? Every fiber in our being can shut down and slip right back into diseased thinking.
Here are a few hints to think about before the smoke starts coming out of our ears and we do something we regret.
Hint # 1
No matter what you are doing, remember that it is okay to take a few minutes to step away from the situation or shut your eyes and take a deep breath. Sometimes, when we are with our family, and we haven’t seen them in a while, we want to spend every moment we can with them, even if they are triggering us in some way. I can promise you that taking a few moments to center yourself will be better in the long run. Take a short walk, sit on the porch by yourself, or go into the bathroom and say a little prayer. It is okay to take a deep breath no matter what you are involved in.
Hint # 2
When you are wrong, promptly admit it. Remember that just because you are in recovery doesn’t make you super human. Odds are you’re still going to make some mistakes along the way. The best way to counterattack a response to a mistake is to just go ahead and quickly admit that you were wrong and apologize. Often, we may have to remind ourselves, “would I rather be right or would I rather be happy?”
Hint # 3
Be helpful to others. Everyone likes a helpful person, and even if you are feeling totally crappy and self-centered, others will hardly notice your attitude when you are being helpful. Ask questions like, “Can I help you do something?”, “Is there any specific thing you haven’t gotten too yet that you would like me to help you with?”, “Do you need me to run anywhere for you?” When you are being helpful and interested in the well being of others, it will actually help you as well.
If you’re wondering how you are ever going to be able to be around your family sober, just remember, there are always ways to get through it. Take a deep breath, make sure to keep your side of the street clean and have a helping attitude. Don’t forget to remind yourself that “this too shall pass.” Have a good time with the ones that love you, because the truth is, they really do love you.
